Teddy, Teddy, Teddy… Teddy Pendergrass. Don’t play, you know the song that I am referencing ”…It is used to be every time I would cry my heart out over you…I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, I would just sit at home and weep….It used to be ….”
In the Tantrumization (NEW WORD?) phase of my calling- there was much BELLYACHING, SNOTTING, SCREAMING, HEAVING AND GAGGING. I RELUCTANTLY, WITH EXTREME HESITATION, FEAR and DOUBT ACCEPTED MY CALLING.
Accepting the Call and Sharing the Call, I believed were mutually exclusive. I was careful with whom I shared it with. At least I thought. There were and still are many who doubt and question it-including myself. Seriously, I went from REALLY GOD? To ARE YOU SURE GOD? I am currently in the Alright GOD phase of my calling. I desire to KNOW HIM and HIS WAYS in 0rder to HONOR HIM IN ALL THINGS.
My desire to REALLY KNOW GOD REQUIRED ME TO GIVE IT AND I MEAN ALL OF IT TO HIM.
I tried with all earnest to PROVE to GOD, to GOD that I could handle IT, that IT was not an issue.
When my I realized that I was not “getting IT right”, when I realized that IT could not be fixed by no one BUT GOD. I reluctantly, yes, reluctantly with extreme hesitation gave IT to HIM. Not knowing that IT was what HE wanted from me all the time.
REALLY, giving IT to GOD has not been pretty, easy, comfortable and has been the cause of much of my irritation with everything and everyone and resulted in anxiety and some sleepless nights. IT has caused much weeping and gnashing of the teeth.
Now, IT, in the hands and guidance of the LORD PREPARES and STRENGTENS me for what have come: loss, Betrayal, the lost of friendship-the intimacy and intensity.
I am so NUMB-not numb from the pain; I am NUMB because I AM SO OVER IT. THERE IS MUCH WORK TO DO FOR THE KINGDOM OF GOD. THIS WAS JUST GOD’S WAY OF REMOVING BARRIERS TO OUR INTIMACY. THIS WAS ANOTHER WAY FOR HIM TO PRESENT ME FAULTLESS FOR I DESIRE TO NOT ONLY HONOR GOD IN WORD BUT IN DEED-HOW I LIVE, WHAT I SAY, MY EXPRESSIONS AND YES, HOW I HANDLE HURT, LOSS AND BETRAYAL. I HAVE ALREADY CRIED. YES, I AM TALKING ABOUT- BUT THANK GOD THE DISCUSSION IS A SHORT ONE AND I AM TRYING TO MAKE SURE THAT I DID NOT CAUSE THE BETRAYAL OR LOSS. NO ONE IS TO BLAME (LOOK AT GOD). IT IS WHAT IT IS AND TO EVERYTHING THERE IS A SEASON.
I wanted to cry, I tried to cry, I wanted to feel sad and garner sympathy. I wanted to “get caught up in my feelings” and let my feelings guide and led me.
I HAD A PRE-CRY (NEW WORD). I HAD ALREADY CRIED OVER MY CURRENT LOSS ACTUALLY WHEN I GAVE ALL OF IT TO GOD!!!!!
Giving IT to GOD, has really MATURED me, “…IT DON”T HURT NOW…NO MORE ….heartaches NO MORE heartaches…all that IS Changed…” for JESUS CHRIST REMOVED THE PAIN.
HE LOVES me in SPITE of ME and that it is the reason that I can say with confidence and boldness……
…Nothing will separate ME from the LOVE of GOD which is in CHRIST JESUS…..”
Tangey V.
INREALTIME
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